Bella's Life, Part I
By Esme


Bella would like to turn into a vampire and along with this comes immortality. At first this sounds like an excellent trade. A wonderful idea in the beginning. But in my perspective this is a bad idea. There are things that she has not thought about yet. It could cause much grief and regret.
      We all agree that immortality sounds wonderful. Immortality has no dying, no pain. This is what first comes to mind. Not dying would be the best thing ever. But is dying really such a bad thing? Mortality is about living and about living the best life you can live. When you live there are new things unexplored that you can discover. You live, learn and wonder, and then you die. When you have immortality you are alive but not living. You just exist. Time has no meaning anymore. Time has stopped and you are stuck within yourself. Your life had nothing to look forward to. Bella does not know what she will want in the future. She is still a young adult. Much too young to make permanent choices like changing your human nature. She can't know what she will want in the future when the future isn't here yet. There had to be a reason Rosalie would come talk to Bella about her past life. Rosalie has been through a few of these wants that Bella might go through when she changes. Rosalie is going through the pain of the life she is in. Rosalie doesn't want Bella to go through the same pain. She knows what she wanted and can't change it. Bella can. Once Bella changes, there is no going back.
      Like Rosalie, Bella could want things, like children of her own. You could object to this by saying that Bella could just adopt new vampires, just as Esme has. This is true, but can we not all agree on saying that this is not the same thing? You won't go through the same experiences as a regular human would. She can't watch her children grow with every new discovery they make. She won't be able to laugh with them when they make mistakes. She could miss out on a lot of things. Rosalie had wanted to grow old with Emmett and have grandchildren. Could Bella have these same wishes later in her life? Now Bella may be quite a bit different than Rosalie, but a woman is a woman, and women do get wishes of their own at one time or another. But when she realizes she has those wishes at the same time she will realize that these wishes can not come true. She will remember the current life she is in, and that will crumble those desires immediately.
      This could also be very selfish of Bella. She says that she just wants to be with Edward forever. This could be true, to an extent, but if you were to be honest, some of her unconscious mind could just want immortality, which is completely believable. You often hear her say that she is the only one aging, which adds on to wanting immortality. But that is just on possibility. People will start saying, 'what about true love? She loves him to much to be that heartless.' Then in that sense, if all she wanted was Edward, she is still being cruelly selfish. She knows what Edward believes about their souls. He has told her what pain it would give him if he took away her soul, if he ruins her chance at heaven. Now she is asking him to turn her himself, which is sure to put him through pain during those three days. It is selfish to ask someone to do something not of their own free will. She is taking advantage of the love Edward has given her. He loves her so much he would do anything for her. Even if it means performing the task he most doesn't want to do.
      Edward believes that you lose your soul when you turn into a vampire. But he is not one hundred percent sure. He can't be sure if that possibility is true. That is how Bella sees it. But it could be the other way also. There is still the possible risk of the soul being destroyed along with your mortality. How are we to know that? How could we possibly know which way is which? Bella could very well be risking her soul. Yes, she will get Edward forever, but at what price? It is based on the future again. We don't know how it will turn out. There is also the possibility of her being destroyed. If her soul has left her, she will no longer be in existence once she is destroyed. And what is to stop Edward from following right behind her. He almost did it once, he can do it again. Then he would be destroyed and gone as well.
      Edward says something like he would do anything to turn into a human rather than turn her into a vampire. I agree along these lines. Turning into a vampire is not Bella's true form, her true nature. Human is what she was meant to be. It would be better if Edward turned back into a human, because it is his true nature, it is his original form. He might not be able to change back, but anything is possible. Nature is a very powerful thing. Bella still has the rest of her life with him, if she will only look at that. She does not need to care what she looks like when she is older. Edward does not care what she looks like, even if she does look like his grandmother someday. If she truly loves him it would not matter how she looked. The thing that would matter is that they are together. The only thing that would really matter is what is in her heart.
      Bella has a choice. She is able to decide whether to do it or not. No one else did. They didn't even know what was happening to them. They weren't opinionated in the matter. They were forced into this life that they are currently in, though, some of them do like it. Carlisle said he often wonders if he should have brought them to this life, if it was the right thing to do. I can not answer his questions, for I do not know the answer myself, but Bella should give a few things a thought. With choices come consequences, and with consequences come feelings, whether they are food or bad. The consequences could be severe, and Bella could be in pain for the rest of her existence. Her choice could lead her to life or death.
      When she changes, she will never be able to see her family again. She will have to hide from them, so they will not be in danger of her going out of control. You could think that her vampire talent could be resisting blood, but she can not know that. She does not know! Once she changes there is no going back. What if she doesn't get that talent? She will never be able to see the people she loves again because of the consequence of choices and because of the chances she is taking. She might forget about her family and friends after a period of time, but I think that her love is so strong that that pain won't leave. And if she does forget about her family, what is to stop her from forgetting Jacob? Jacob is a reason even of itself. In Eclipse Bella realizes that she is in love with Jacob and Jacob loves her back. That love will stick with her like a snail on a tree. However, he and his pack will hunt them down because of the treaty. Because a vampire's mind is so complex, Bella will not forget anything that happens withing her vampire life. She will see Jacob after she is a vampire when he and his pack are attacking the Cullens for breaking the treaty, and the vision of the war will be so clear because she will be a vampire at the time. She will be able to see it in her mind as if it is happening all over again. As Edward mentioned, all her loved ones will all die eventually, but Jacob is not aging because he has not acquired the talent of controlling the change from his human form to his wolf form. It will take a while for him to die. She will never be able to see him again. She know that. She will be his enemy because it is natural. It is natural for them to be against each other. Right now they are friends. It will be a quick change from friends to enemies; all in three days. That fact could keep her down. She will still love him in a way. It will be misery till the end. You know you can not be happy when there is firm guilt within you. The guilt of hurting someone's feelings to get what you want. The guilt of scarring someone's life because you were the love of that person's life and now you are the nightmare of their dreams.
      In your minds you are probably asking 'don't you believe in true love?' Well if you put it that way, yes, to a certain level. But does that love have to be infected with a sadness that does not have to be there? There is a whole life time ahead of Bella, if she would only look at it.
      There is a question you must ask before you say Bella is going to ruin her life. Does Bella want to do the right thing? If she does, than she should not take her chances on this decision. Carlisle still wonders if he did the right thing, bringing them all to this life. I bring up this subject again because it is important to Bella's feelings. There is a chance of it being the wrong thing. A fifty-fifty chance. The chances of it being the right thing is pretty slim. Your feelings on things determines what is right and wrong for you. Bella could tell herself that all she wants and needs is Edward. But if she looks deeper, she might find something different, she might find she wants just a little bit more than Edward himself. She could really hurt herself. Everything I have talked about is based on the future. Maybe Bella won't have the same wishes as Rosalie. Maybe when Bella turns into a vampire she will lose enough humanity to not care about Jacob and her family. We could all be thinking that I have a disadvantage because of Alice. Alice can see the future, but the thing is that what she sees is based on people's decisions. Alice saw Bella living with them as a vampire, but she did not see the feelings of Bella in the future. That leaves open spaces for sadness to sneak in. Her vision is so vague, so unstable. Anything could happen with that much of the future so unclear.


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